Mesh, Post, Or Just Mama’s Little Helper?

The funny thing that happens each World Cup (well, funny for the non-supporters, anyway) is the level of expectations that accompanies each player, or lack thereof.

In the case of these guys, their countries are depending so much on them that you know they all can’t deliver. Here’s a list of guys who are clinch-hitters that might just wiffle a couple of sure goals this summer. Also my take on how many goals they’ll net, and how many posts they’ll hit.

Michael Owen; the poor guy’s just come off a serious injury, and though they’ve got him putting in appearances in recent friendlies, it just seems as th0ugh he’s already past his prime and the most he can do is underwhelm. 1 goal in the first three matches, and if he’s lucky, 1 post, 2 assists.

Roberto Carlos; not a striker, but a guy who possesses one of the best free kicks in the game today. I think it’s great they included him in the squad, but will he get the chance to net a few with such a talented attack quartet? We’ll find out soonMy prediction? 1 goal (penalty), no posts, 3 assists.

Miroslav Klose; unfairly attacked four years ago for his goalscoring blitz, seeing as they mostly came from headers–big deal. Well, a goal is a goal is a goal, and herr Klinsmann will be more than pleased if this former wunderkind can continue his brilliant form at Bremen and with the national team. 4 goals, 3 posts, 4 assists.

Djibril Cisse; Another guy who’s saddled with a reputation for being a prima donna with poor finishing skills. I hate to say it, but when your national team is a little goal-shy, sometimes a prima donna is exactly what you need, especially when it’s coupled with youthful exhuberance, speed, and just the right amount of hubris. I hope this guy nets a bunch, regardless of how much of an arsehole the media thinks he is. 1 goal, 4 posts, 2 assists.

Hernan Crespo; more of a poacher (or cherry-picker, as we used to call them back in Canada) than a pure striker, but so what? He’ll be spearheading an incredible Argentina squad and aching to make up for their lousy campaign four years ago. My personal preference is that they put him on as a sub around the 60 minute mark. Like Del Piero, I don’t think he has the juice to last a whole game, but he can perform miracles given the right service. 2 goals, no posts, 1 assist.

Fernando Torres; I loved this guy when he was paired up with Demis Nikolaidis a few years ago at Atletico, but like Cisse, he’s just too inconsistent, and to be a great goalscorer, you’ve got to bury your chances one-time, all the time, even if the angle sucks or you’ve got defenders shoulder-blocking you throughout the challenge. Who is Spain going to look to for goals? Raul? Please. I have a feeling Torres will net 2 in the qualifying round, with 1 post, and 3 assists.

Andrei Shevchenko; recently getting over a little injury, this AC Milan goalscoring machine isn’t the only one to worry about on the Ukraine side, but he’s easily the most famous. If he’s in top shape, he could easily walk off with the golden boot. My prediction: 4 goals, 1 post, 2 assists.

Francesco Totti; An undeniable talent when healthy, sure. Also guilty of some filthy fouls and a lousy on-pitch attitute. But his latest injury, as well as age, will have rendered the man reasonably inert this time around. My prediction; no goals, no posts, possibly 1 assist.

Pauleta; I’m really rooting for this man — a pure-breed of striker, and if his qualifying run is any indication, he’s going to set his group on fire. 3 goals, 4 assists, no posts.